YOU WANT CRABBY? I'LL GIVE YOU CRABBY!
THREE JACK STORIES
William A. Wisdom

After Jack had had me to his house several times for some delicious home-cooked meals, he accepted my invitation to take him out to dinner. I selected a restaurant that I had once enjoyed, with which he was unfamiliar.

We were about ten or fifteen minutes into our meal, when Jack said, "Bill, I'd like to pay for my meal." "Nonsense. I won't hear of it." "But Bill, I must insist." "Jack, we had an understanding that this was to be my treat." "I know. But I've changed my mind. I'm going to pay for my meal."

I was thoroughly baffled by this quite unexpected turn of events. I couldn't understand this sudden change in our evening's plans. So I pressed one more time. "Jack, this is my treat!" "No, it's not; and that's final! You can treat me another time."

So I reluctantly agreed, and asked him why he insisted on paying for his dinner. "BECAUSE THIS IS THE WORST MEAL I'VE EVER HAD! AND THE SERVICE IS TERRIBLE! AND THE NOISE IS UNBEARABLE!" None of which he could say if I was treating him.

I was particularly pleased with the shirt I was wearing to work, and was eager to discuss it with someone. I picked the wrong person. "Do you like my shirt, Jack?" "No!" Undeterred, I forged ahead: "My wife bought it for me." "Oh. So you have to wear it." "She got it for a quarter in a thrift shop." "She was robbed!"

My wife was at a party with Jack and a number of other people -- I don't remember why I wasn't there. They decided to play a pleasant game. Sitting in a circle, each person would have to pay a compliment to the person on the left. Things started off smoothly. "I enjoyed your last book." "Your dress shows very good taste." "Your home is just lovely." Then it was Jack's turn. He looked Fritzi up and down. Nothing. He was racking his brain for a compliment, clearly locked in a struggle with his nature. But no compliment would come. Finally, he got one! "You've got nice gums."

Copyright © 2002, William A. Wisdom